The Well of Cromulence.

Making Your Tumblr Employer-Friendly

As you all probably know and are tired of hearing about, I’m currently in the market for a new job. I created the world’s most boring Twitter, I updated my resume and my lovely friend added a fancy HEADER on it (that’s how you know I’m a pro), I’m all over Jobhunter, CareerBuilder, Monster, CareerMonsterBuilder, and every other job website I can find. I’m also trying not to say “fuck” as much. 

However, my favorite waste of time is and always will be Tumblr, so while we’re all here we might as well make ourselves employable, right? Here’s my never-fail tips for creating a professional-friendly Tumblr:  

1. Reblog! When in doubt, reblog. That way if you accidentally reblog something offensive, you can at least blame somebody else. In fact, just track #social media and reblog everything from there. This lets employers know that you’re modern and hip and you might spend 20 hours a day on Facebook, but it’s totally a professional resource, god. 

2. Make every picture of yourself flattering, and professional. GPOYW shots should be of you in a suit with a cup of coffee, smiling at your computer in a well-lit office. Browse stock photos for inspiration.

3. While we’re on this subject, it’s probably not a good idea to post pictures of yourself holding a giant knife with a murderous expression. 

4. At the very least, brush your fucking hair and try to look like you are fucking giving your existence a modicum of effort for the first time in your fucking life, this is the internet and everybody can see it and if you look like a bored waste of space at your current job, nobody’s going to hire you.

5. If you have more than one Tumblr, make sure that you promote yourself. It’s not about keeping followers, it’s about showing your future boss that you’re well-rounded and you’re a go-getter who is capable of maintaining not one, but TWO narcissistic blogs. Perhaps you’re very literary, like me, and your other blog is about books. Everybody knows that only smart people read, even if they’re reading books about a lap dance contest that turns into sex with a gargoyle or a m/m/m/m/m/f romance. 

6. You know what? Just give up. Your blog is not salvageable. Either delete your Tumblr or completely remove your real name so that nobody ever has a chance to find out that you’re fucking insane.