Posts tagged also insane

Posted 2 years ago

Run-By Fruiting

Every time I pick up an apple I have the strangest urge to throw it at someone.

Posted 2 years ago

For some reason, I have the idea that “Run the World” by Beyonce is my dog’s favorite song.

Posted 2 years ago

I use this for inspiration when applying for jobs. HERE’S YOUR ONCE CHANCE JAYNE DON’T LET ME DOWN

Posted 2 years ago

Jobhunting

I’m back on the market. I’m trying to decide if I should use my Tumblr to network (not obnoxiously, I promise) or if this blog will just out me as insane (rather than having it be a fun surprise when I arrive to work the first day). 

Anyways, if you know anybody in the Bay Area in the market for a web content manager, online community manager, sound editor, e-learning builder, nonprofit grunt, or general Girl Friday, give me a shout, please? I’ve got mad Adobe Captivate and Soundbooth skills, and a bit of experience with Dreamweaver and Photoshop.

I also have a Twitter account now, in case you missed the news. I guess I’ll start using it soon. 

Posted 3 years ago

The Cult of the Broccoli

You want to know what the world’s greatest vegetable is? I have done the research, and I will let you in on a little secret.

Motherfucking roasted fucking broccoli.

My mom brought dinner to my house a few weeks ago, and in it she had a roasted vegetable medley. There was broccoli in it. Roasted broccoli. It was no less than the greatest fucking vegetable I have ever eaten in my entire life. 

Because I’m a skeptic and I know this could have just been a batch of miracle broccoli, I bought some a couple of days later and roasted it. For science.

IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD I DIED AND THEN I RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE TO SPREAD THE WORD OF ROASTED BROCCOLI. 

Something happens to the broccoli in the oven. The stems get tender. The florets become crunchy. What was once a mere vegetable becomes a triumph, a victory for both health and taste. 

All you need is olive oil, salt, pepper, and a 425 degree oven for 30 minutes. Turn halfway. Then the heavens will open and the angels will sing, and the truth of nature’s greatest vegetable will be revealed. 

Posted 3 years ago

Cicadas

If you don’t know what cicadas are, then take a second right fucking now to sit back and praise the deity of your choice. Because to know cicadas is to know horror

Cicadas are like houseflies, kind of, except giant. And horrible. Do not look at this picture. 

Cicadas have a giant-ass life cycle for a bug. They spend about 13 to 17 years in the ground, marinating, become as fucking awful as possible before they erupt and wreak havoc on the unsuspecting populace. You tell yourself that the cicadas aren’t that bad. WELL GUESS WHAT.

They are that. fucking. bad. 

I look out my window and I see them, dozens, hundreds, flying from tree to tree, shrieking at each other, eating or shitting more cicadas into the ground or doing who the fuck knows what. Every time I walk to my car from my office, I get at least one cicada in my bag. On the way back in after lunch, one fucking flew into my fucking face. 

And the noise. THE NOISE. It’s like there’s 30 teenagers outside, battling each other with weed whackers. You may not believe me. You’re thinking to yourself, “How can bugs be that loud?” Well, fuck you because check this shit out. For a more realistic effect, turn the volume up as loud as possible and imagine them swarming around you. 

I have decided that the long lifespan of cicadas is part of their natural selection, because if these fuckers were around every year, I would have devoted my life to entomology and toxicology so that I could develop a pesticide that would give every single cicada a slow, painful death until they were extinct.

Instead, I have to be content with murdering a dozen or so of them every time I get in my car. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Posted 3 years ago

Coleslaw

Along with the leftover chicken of yesterday came a very pleasant surprise: a bucket of coleslaw. And we’re not talking your white, mayonnaise-covered glop. This is serious business coleslaw. It’s got some big chunks of carrot and cabbage and I DON’T EVEN KNOW IT’S SO GOOD.

Here’s a brief list of things that go well with this coleslaw:

  • fucking everything

I have tried it on salmon, on sandwiches, with the chicken, with some plain noodles, and this is all in between shoveling it in as-is. I will fucking go cannibal and eat it on people. It is insane. Forget what you knew about coleslaw. It is a LIE. 

I was going to write a poem to the coleslaw, entitled “O Coleslaw, My Coleslaw,” but I think I’m going to be too busy eating it and then crying cabbagey tears when it’s gone. 

Posted 3 years ago

Seriously.

Everything going through my head right now is a complaint. I am annoying myself. My internal monologue is turning into a dialogue. 

Head: “I’m sick.”

Brain: “I get it.”

Throat and Ears: “I’m siiick!!!!”

Brain: “I heard you.”

Nose: “I’m sick!”

Brain: “SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

Brain: “You’re going insane!”

Brain: “I’m going insane.” 

Head: “I’m sick.” 

Posted 3 years ago

Fail.

This morning, I got up at 5:30, changed into my workout clothes, decided that I would probably cry if I went to the gym, changed out of my workout clothes, and went back to bed. This has never happened, ever.

I think I am coming unglued, seriously. This past week has fucked with my head. Can it be Christmas break already? 

Posted 3 years ago

Too many cop movies/tv shows as a kid.

Sometimes if someone is annoying me I get the urge to yell “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT” and then punch them in the mouth. 

Posted 3 years ago

I want to start a blog called Funfetti Life.

It will just be pictures of me eating funfetti cupcakes. On the go! At the office! Just in time for cocktails!

Just wait for the four-page spread of my Funfetti Thanksgiving Dinner. I’ll have all of my family, all dressed in festive holiday clothing, gathered around a harvest table. Guess what I’ll be serving. TURKEY!

No, I’m just kidding, it’ll be funfetti. 

Posted 3 years ago

INTJ

Private, good at one-on-one interactions, intelligent, calculating, and slightly detached from emotion. 

Other famous INTJ’s: 

  • Hannibal Lecter
  • Jigsaw
  • Montgomery Burns
  • Ted Kacynski
  • Michael Corleone
  • Stewie Griffin
  • V
  • Dr. Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow)

Today is the day that I found out I am basically a serial killer. 

Posted 3 years ago
This kicky number is perfect for our cult prom! We’ve got a playlist (7 straight hours of “Kokomo”) and have already reserved the creepy hill on the edge of town. I’d avoid the punch if I were you, and just bring a flask. 

This kicky number is perfect for our cult prom! We’ve got a playlist (7 straight hours of “Kokomo”) and have already reserved the creepy hill on the edge of town. I’d avoid the punch if I were you, and just bring a flask. 

Posted 3 years ago

When I become a cult leader, this will be what I wear to every Unity Gathering. I think I can jazz it up with some beads and spangly stars, and it should really compliment the 20 or 30 feral cats I was planning to wear as a cape.